Year 2014

Can't believe it's finally 2014. Time flies huh? Well, 2013 has been well, I guess. It's not that great, but at the same time it's not that bad. It has its ups and downs. Well, now that it's 2014, obviously I have my new year's resolution(s). And yeah, for the first time in like ever, I actually thought about it. Thought about how I want to live this upcoming year. Thought about who I want to be. Not like as in be what I want as an ambition, but who I want to be generally. Honestly, I don't want to be what I was in 2013. I'm sick, disgusted, and disappointed in her. I really don't want to be that girl anymore. This year, I don't want to cry. No matter how the tears threaten to spill, no matter how it stung, I don't want to let it. This year, I don't want to open up. I mean, it's not like anyone would've cared, but if anyone actually asks, I don't think I want to open up anymore. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to feel like trash. Because I know, somehow, no matter how they say they cared, those who asked never actually cared. It's sad, really. I thought I had someone to turn to at one point of time. But then I realised, who am I to them, making them listen to me, listen to the crap I had to go through. This year, I just want to stop caring. Heck, if I could have no emotions this year it would've been better. Better for me and better for everyone else. But let's not go into that so much because most importantly, this year, I will work harder on my studies. O' level year man, no jokes. I want to get into a JC and enter University and maybe, by then life would get better. Yeah, initially I wanted to go to poly, but for a girl like me, the only way out is that path. That painful, stressful path. But hey, good things happen to those who waits right? Yeah, I'm a big believer to that line. So yeah, those are my resolutions for now. I don't know yet, maybe there's more to come. But for now, that's all. Goodnight <3

Girl

There's this girl. She's a teenager, just like us. She likes to laugh, make people laugh. Everyday, she smile without fail. People see her as the carefree one, the one who just shrugs everything off and just get on with life. And like mentioned, she really, really love making others smile, making others laugh, just maybe make someone's day, turn someone's frown upside down, you know? She didn't know if people enjoyed her company or not, but she just go with it. So of course everyone see her as that cheerful girl she made herself. Everyone thought, a girl as happy as her, what problems would she face right? But then she started feeling something. Sometimes she feel that people dislike her, sometimes she feel the people closest to her hates her, and sometimes she just feels unwanted, even by her loved ones. She used to have self-esteem, but now every little thing made it drop, little by little. Thats when she started feeling bad about herself. She still laugh, she still makes jokes, but the laughters and smile became something she forced out of herself, something to cover up everything she feels inside. Everytime she said something, she immediately reflected back and she will just sometimes wished she had just kept quiet instead. She will regret whatever she said right after the moment she said it. She knew some people saw through her. People asked her sometimes, "are you okay?" Of course she gave a yes as an answer. She even added a "why would I not be okay?" with a big smile. She don't want to open up to anyone. She's afraid that the people who asked her whether she's okay or not don't actually care. She's scared she might say too much. She's afraid they just asked her for the sake of asking. Of course previously she told some people about her problems she face, whether at home or at school or wherever. But since she started feeling that way about herself, she just shut her doors. She shut people out, but in a way stll put up with that act of being the funny and carefree girl she was. Ironic isn't it? And as days past, the things she feels just grow stronger and stronger and she know one day, she'll just stop. She'll stop laughing, she'll stop smiling, she'll stop trying to make others smile, she'll just stop everything she used to do. She told her best friend once, "it will be different in the future." Her best friend asked "what do you mean?" She didn't really answer her question, in fact she just repeated her statement, "it will be different in the future." What she meant was maybe in the future I won't be your best friend anymore. Maybe in the future I'm not important anymore. Maybe in the future I'm not going to be like what I am now. She don't know what will happen, but she knows in the future, everything will be different.