Year 2014

Can't believe it's finally 2014. Time flies huh? Well, 2013 has been well, I guess. It's not that great, but at the same time it's not that bad. It has its ups and downs. Well, now that it's 2014, obviously I have my new year's resolution(s). And yeah, for the first time in like ever, I actually thought about it. Thought about how I want to live this upcoming year. Thought about who I want to be. Not like as in be what I want as an ambition, but who I want to be generally. Honestly, I don't want to be what I was in 2013. I'm sick, disgusted, and disappointed in her. I really don't want to be that girl anymore. This year, I don't want to cry. No matter how the tears threaten to spill, no matter how it stung, I don't want to let it. This year, I don't want to open up. I mean, it's not like anyone would've cared, but if anyone actually asks, I don't think I want to open up anymore. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to feel like trash. Because I know, somehow, no matter how they say they cared, those who asked never actually cared. It's sad, really. I thought I had someone to turn to at one point of time. But then I realised, who am I to them, making them listen to me, listen to the crap I had to go through. This year, I just want to stop caring. Heck, if I could have no emotions this year it would've been better. Better for me and better for everyone else. But let's not go into that so much because most importantly, this year, I will work harder on my studies. O' level year man, no jokes. I want to get into a JC and enter University and maybe, by then life would get better. Yeah, initially I wanted to go to poly, but for a girl like me, the only way out is that path. That painful, stressful path. But hey, good things happen to those who waits right? Yeah, I'm a big believer to that line. So yeah, those are my resolutions for now. I don't know yet, maybe there's more to come. But for now, that's all. Goodnight <3

Girl

There's this girl. She's a teenager, just like us. She likes to laugh, make people laugh. Everyday, she smile without fail. People see her as the carefree one, the one who just shrugs everything off and just get on with life. And like mentioned, she really, really love making others smile, making others laugh, just maybe make someone's day, turn someone's frown upside down, you know? She didn't know if people enjoyed her company or not, but she just go with it. So of course everyone see her as that cheerful girl she made herself. Everyone thought, a girl as happy as her, what problems would she face right? But then she started feeling something. Sometimes she feel that people dislike her, sometimes she feel the people closest to her hates her, and sometimes she just feels unwanted, even by her loved ones. She used to have self-esteem, but now every little thing made it drop, little by little. Thats when she started feeling bad about herself. She still laugh, she still makes jokes, but the laughters and smile became something she forced out of herself, something to cover up everything she feels inside. Everytime she said something, she immediately reflected back and she will just sometimes wished she had just kept quiet instead. She will regret whatever she said right after the moment she said it. She knew some people saw through her. People asked her sometimes, "are you okay?" Of course she gave a yes as an answer. She even added a "why would I not be okay?" with a big smile. She don't want to open up to anyone. She's afraid that the people who asked her whether she's okay or not don't actually care. She's scared she might say too much. She's afraid they just asked her for the sake of asking. Of course previously she told some people about her problems she face, whether at home or at school or wherever. But since she started feeling that way about herself, she just shut her doors. She shut people out, but in a way stll put up with that act of being the funny and carefree girl she was. Ironic isn't it? And as days past, the things she feels just grow stronger and stronger and she know one day, she'll just stop. She'll stop laughing, she'll stop smiling, she'll stop trying to make others smile, she'll just stop everything she used to do. She told her best friend once, "it will be different in the future." Her best friend asked "what do you mean?" She didn't really answer her question, in fact she just repeated her statement, "it will be different in the future." What she meant was maybe in the future I won't be your best friend anymore. Maybe in the future I'm not important anymore. Maybe in the future I'm not going to be like what I am now. She don't know what will happen, but she knows in the future, everything will be different.

Inspiration

Its hard when people don't understand. Its hard when people don't know how you feel about what you love, who you love. And its especially hard if the people who don't understand is the people around you. My inspiration. My motivation. My heroes. The people I looked up to and watched them grow to their fame. One direction. Yes I understand when they call me mainstream. Its because they're too famous. But they dont know that I've looked up to them even before their first single came out. Before they even are famous. When they were also once an underground artist. But thats okay. I dont want anything from them. I dont need them to give me their autograph. I dont need to have a picture with them. What I need is, just a moment to see them, and thank them. For everything. For three years I've waited and I will wait for as long as I can. Just so I can thank you. But today, I came to a realisation that its not possible. Because if, one day, when I finally meet you guys, I'll just be another fan. I'll just appear as one of the screaming girls you see on a daily basis. It's sad, but thats the truth. The thought of getting to see you, and actually communicating with you, to say thank you to you for what you've done for me, will just remain forever as a dream. But I still hope. There is a part in me that believes that maybe, just maybe one day I can actually see you like that. Like how I imagined it to be. But that part is very, very small. Because for a girl like me, it is almost, almost impossible. Three years have passed and more years will come. I'll still be waiting. To meet my inspiration, my motivation, the people who changed my life and the people who made me look at things differently. Thank you, Niall James Horan, Liam James Payne, Harry Edward Styles, Louis William Tomlinson & Zayn Jawaad Malik. For everything
-A.

Flaws

Just a random thing. I dont know what this feeling is but it just popped up in my mind.
I may not have the eyes that someone may fall for when they look in it.
The laughter so beautiful someone can fall for by listening to it.
The smile that can stay in a person's mine when I show it.
The hair that overwhelmed people when I flip it.
Hell i don't have anything.
What I have is
A wonderful set of crooked teeth
A very unattractive pair of eyes
A not so nice body
Hell my laugh is like horrible
I'm not saying all this cause I'm all insecure and in reality all these things about me are beautiful. But its because its true. I'm not pretty, I'm not beautiful. I know everyone is beaitiful in their own way but I just cant seem to believe that i am beautiful. Or I just cant see the word me and beautiful going together. Its just so... wrong.
I dont know but its so irritating to live with that thought in me everyday. I can see my flaws and I am sure people see through my flaws like clear glass. I want to believe that its okay to look like what I am now, that its okay to be what I am now. But its so hard because society. Enough said.

Helpless

Even though its hard
Even when you're suffering
No matter how much it hurts
I can't do anything to help or even change the situation just a bit
I'm sorry.
To both of you I'm sorry.
The two of you shouldn't be working at your age
You should already be resting at home fot the rest of your life
While I am the one who is supposed to work for you guys
I'm sorry I can't make your life easier.
I want to do something but I cant.
No matter what I do I'm hopeless
I cant do much to help you. Both of you.
Ayah, even though you left
Even though you were not always there
I still love you
I miss you
And now I hear you're going through all this
And I cant be there with you
You're all alone
In pain
In agony
All the pain you're going through for me
And its not only you
Ibu too
Even though you don't show it
I know you're having a hard time
I know
Both of you are going through all this for me
I promise
I promise one day you won't have to do this anymore
You won't have to worry about me anymore
I promise you will get your rest
And I will repay you back for everything you'e done
Just wait ok? We'll get there.

Never.ever.last

Looks like I suck in friendship huh. Three years in secondary school and still no fixed friends. Its always changing. Always. Well, except for one tho. Only she has been here from last year and I'm thankful our friendship still last up till here. I guess there's only one way to not be disappointed in friendship anymore. Apart from her(maybe), not going to trust anyone. Unless I can confirm they are truly mu friend. There's another girl, I've had enough of you tbh. Three years and you just got worse. And the ironic thing is, everyone is on your side. Well, like the song, "cause its beautiful people like you, who get whatever they want. And it's beautiful people like you, who suck the life out of my heart" Because youre beautiful, everyones on your side no matter how bitchy you are. And you put on a fake mask so everyone likes you or sides you. Well, may karma bite you in the ass :)

Unexpected.

Well, they say unexpexted things happen at the unexpected times huh. Guess who I met at a wedding earlier? Hamzie and Khalaf!! I didn't know who they were actually, they were the ones who recognized me hah. Didnt expect them to recognize me tho. Felt so confortable even though it has been 3 years. Well, i guess its cause we're already comfortable three years ago that meeting after a long time isnt an awkward situation. Well, lets hope the friendship will last forever since i already have their contacts *fingerscrossed*